Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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