glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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