I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
