I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
