I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
