So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Rumble strips road head = magical
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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