the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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