I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
