Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
