I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
