A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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