he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
