Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
