I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I AM VODKA MAN
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
