Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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