she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
