I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
