Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize