I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
