with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize