just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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