next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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