Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
