As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize