3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
