worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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