At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
