apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
