I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize