my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
