if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
No subtext here. People are naked.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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