Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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