Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
