I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
