remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
