a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
