so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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