Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
And my parents said I crawled through the house
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
