I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
