wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
