I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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