Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize