batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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