if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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