I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
