I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
