The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize