a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize