You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
