don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
