Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
