I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
