I wish you could order shots online.
I understand Curling. That high.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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