two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
