You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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